Well, as a rule of thumb, I don’t subscribe to those old and tired success phrases. Those that go like “Every successful person has a painful story,but in every painful story there is a successful ending, No one has traveled the road of success without challenges” or “Behind every successful man there is a woman”. I perceive such kind of crap as deodorated dog shit wrapped as sweets. (Hopefully my childhood Sabbath school teacher doesn’t come across this sentence).

You see when I will become the president of the corrupt republic of Kenya, the first group of people I will deal with are Motivational speakers. Most of them, no, all of them have mastered the art of telling you what you want to hear. They will tell you how wonderful and bright your future is. How God is raising a beautiful girl on the other side of the country for you to marry. They will never mention how she is perfecting the nagging culture that comes pre-installed in every woman. (Ladies please forgive me coz this is a lie). No motivational speaker will tell you that maybe the light you are seeing at the end of the tunnel is an electric train moving at 280 Km/h that is about to knock sense out of your expectant self. I am a pessimist yes, so what? They will never tell you that to succeed you must be crooked. They will never tell you that hard work NEVER pays – If it really paid marikiti cart pushers would be living in Runda.  If hard work really paid, then those mjengo guys will be pumping bullets into each other’s stomach at Kasarani using licensed fire arms, fighting over that make-up courted damsel. And when things get elephant, they get admitted at the posh Aga Khan Hospital to recuperate.

I was listening to Bonni Mwaitege’s song “Safari bado” and it got my mind into a spin.

graduandThe other day, 30 million firechas were in town crossing roads dangerously for the sole purpose of witnessing their mwakenya-bred daughters and sons graduate. To a firecha graduating sounds like an achievement. But truth be told, safari bado. They lied to you that they have given you POWERS to read. That is crap, salonists wield more powers than those degrees you got. You will burn your ass employed as an executive in a blue-chip company for 40 years, but cumulatively you will never earn an equivalent of what a salonist will casually withdraw in a minute. You will never earn enough of what a salonist can lend a driver as a soft loan. Prostitutes, sorry I meant socialites drive Range Rovers at the flash of hips and man-made buttocks. Those degrees are useless pieces of paper. (And by the way, what is that rolled paper new graduands carry in photos? Si hiyo ni ukanyari? Coz I understand degrees certificates are not issued on graduation day.) N-way fasten your belts, safari bado.

My good people, CUNNING is the only thing that will propel you to success. If you don’t want your parents to start thinking that they wasted their money in your education, anza ukora. Deceive them that you were a chicken seller and you hustled your ass up to owning palaces. Become a lawyer and lie to them how dangerous it is to seal a land deal without your signature. Become a doctor and deceive them how they have to be admitted for further observation at a small fee. Become a senator and purchase a degree to use in vying for a gubernatorial post. Become a pastor and warn them how Satan is salivating for their heart and the only cure is for them to frequently come to church and generously contribute kwa vile mungu anawaonaaa hadi mioyooooni mwao…….toa ndugu toa dada, ulich nacho wewe, bwana anakuonaaa mbaka moyoni mwako. Warn them how they will harvest nothing kama hawapandi mbegu. Unavuna ulichopanda. Become a politician and warn them how they will perish by voting for your opponents. Tell them how unit is important for the sake of the country. Throw in the phrase how Kenya is important than an individual.

The only group of professionals who seem like they will dominate the Garden of Eden after his second coming are teachers and nurses. But hawa wengine wa kuvaa suite like Lawyers, politicians and pastors ni ngumu sana like the camel going through the eye of a needle.

………….and that is the end of today’s summon. Watch out for part II


About Edwin Kamanda

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