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Men are Simplest of Creatures, Uncle Edd advises young girls!

Dear Uncle Edd.

I am a 24 year old lady in an on and off relationship with this man I met in a club. We have been dating for 2 years now. When we first met, he winked at me, and it was love on the first sight. He bought me drinks and before I knew it we were dating. After like three months he started changing. I don’t understand him anymore. I thought he was the ideal man to walk me down the aisle, but I am not sure the man is interested in marrying me. He is rich and I really love him. I have tried everything possible but in vain, and it seems he has other ladies in his life. I am confused. Please help.

Yours sincerely

Banjulaxiter

 

Dear Banjulaxiter,

Yours is a simple issue. Lets tackle it upwards using the upward hierarchy of needs method which was invented by St. Paul the author of the bible himself.

Hierarchy one, you said it seems he has other ladies. You are wrong, not that it seems, it is confirmed he has. Better you start preparing on how to live with it. Every normal man is a potential polygamist if all conditions are kept constant. I am done with that hierarchy. Genetically an African man, is wired with dormant polygamy genes. Try and confuse him with good food, tender care, good sex and freedom so that these genes don’t sprout akue Simeon Nyachae who had only three breathing wives. Or Mwai Kibaki who has only 2, or Francis Atwoli who has two and still counting. I am talking about known wives and not clandes.

Banjulaxiter. Banjulaxiter. Banjulaxiter. How many times did I call you? Now does the name Banjulaxiter sound like a name that a man can introduce to his mother as a potential daughter in-law? That name sounds like P-Square’s next hit song. Your problems started from the day your mother gave you that name, if indeed she is the one who gave it to you na sio kiherehere yako. Of all the books St. Paul authored in the bible, have you ever seen such a name? Just get saved and get a sound name like Jane, Esther, Gladys, Ziporrah etc. With such names, you will make it through the mother inlaw introduction step.

Now let’s move to the second hierarchy. You said he is rich and you really love him? Young girl, I think you are not serious in this marriage thing. How dare you talk of money and love in the same sentence? Are you from the mountain? Don’t you go to church? Aren’t you aware that it is love and money that got Jesus killed? Yes, as a sign of love, Judas kissed Jesus and he was given money. Are you planning to assassinate somebody’s son? I am done with that hierarchy. Lets move up.

Hierarchy four: You have said you don’t understand him anymore. Madam, why do you want to understand your man. Kwani ni exam unaenda kufanya? Men are the simplest of creatures. Learn from how a lioness lives with a lion. A lion is known as the king of the jungle and the lioness that does the hunting for the lion has never complained nor have we ever seen the fight. And yes you need to check the sleeping, eating and mating patterns of a lion, and treat your man as such. Let me google it for you!

lion1

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lion2

Now lets move to hierarchy five: You mentioned that he winked at you, and you went down flat. Now did that wink look like he was doing it for the first time as an amateur? To me it sounds like he is a professional winker. Let him wink, just treat him the way a female lion(ess) treats the lion. He will not stray I assure you. Refer to hierarchy one and confuse him accordingly.

Hierarchy six: Kuna mtu ameniitia whiskey which is more importanter than giving advice that you should have learnt from your mother and aunties. Badala ya kukaa with them and learn kazi is hanging out in bars waiting for men to wink at you then you come complaining to your uncles. Umesikia penye naenda so if we meet there and I willingly or accidentally wink at you, please refer to this content.

 

Yours truly

 

Uncle Edd……………[signed]……….

 

Witness

 

John Messa(Today’s Whiskey Buyer)…………….[signed]………..

Parting Shot: If a man has not introduced you to his mother and/or aunties, stop counting yourself in the marriage bracket. If your husband does something wrong, report him to his mother, men fear their mothers more than they fear the police. If you report your man to his mother more than twice in five years, you are demanding a DIVORCE in capital letters. Msiseme sikuwaambia.

Food for thought: The wisest King in History, King Solomon himself, was married to three hundred wives and Several clandes. That is according to the good book and not the gospel according to Archbishop Kamanda.

 

Mkiona Bifwoli Wakoli, tell him to call me. Nataka mrija ya kunywa nayo busaa.

Nimeenda.

 

Chao!

 

About Edwin Kamanda

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