As I have always told you, back in the village I am one respected honcho. I am ranked in the same category as MCAs. In fact there are plans to have me run for senatorial position unopposed. I am the link between my firechi and the world. I am that high frequency fiber cable that relays the news to the firechi in real time. My fellow firechas have faith in me. They have always trusted me. Anything I tell them, passes as the gospel truth. But it seems the confidence is waning. The firechas have started to suspect that I might have joined a cult of deceiving individuals, who like the eclipse of the moon, appear after every five years with sacks of lies laced with 100 shillings notes and promise them how they have signed a secret pact with God to take them to the garden of Eden.
So on Saturday evening as I was perched on a sina-taabu, undergoing the weekly cleansing ritual ya kutoa maruerue (Whatever that means) and dusting myself the week-long dust on my throat, na kuosha taabu za dunia, I received a text from Karionya that read “Mhesh, usikule peke yako”. For those not in the know, Karionya is my personal advisor on village politics, family management, with a major in village socio-economic empowerment of women. He is writing his dissertation on polygamy management having recently completed his thesis by marrying a second wife na kumfungulia duka. >>back to the main topic>>.
So I decided to ignore Karionya’s text and concentrate on the glass at hand. Would respond to the text later once I get out of the noisy HB. After kedo 10 minutes, I receive another text, and it reads “Kwa hifyo ni ukweli? Kiongozi, you have to address the nation on this matter. Hamuwezi endelea kunona sisi tukikonda”. On reading this, I realized somebody was using Karionya’s phone to text me. Karionya cant text in English even at gun point. He claims English is a colonialistic language, and he cant be colonized in his own country in the 21st century. So I knew somebody was misusing Karionya to get my attention. You know Karionya is among the few privileged lot that have my direct hotline with reverse call advantage. He “please calls me” and I obey by calling back. So on this particular day, I knew kuna jambo. So I stepped outside and called. Excerpts. Translated from Jew to a language you can understand.
Karionya: Aroo kiongozi na Senator mtarajiwa?
Me: (Clears the throat like a leader) Yes kaka vipi.
Karionya: Ni hifi-hifi tu.
Me: Kwani kuna shida?
Karionya: Tena kubwa! Wacha nikuweke loud speaker coz tuko wengi hapa junction. Wewe kama kiongozi you have to address the nation.
Me: Kwani iko nini?
Me: Nyama imefanya nini?
Karionya: Nyinyi mnakula, sisi tunameza harufu.
Me: Hehehe……………………Karionya Mr. be precise. What exactly do you mean?
Karionya: Ongea lugha tunaeza skizana
Karionya: Anza na kueleza hiyo picha uliweka FB chusi chusi.
Me: Imefanya nini?
Karionya: Inaonyesha dalili ya kukula nyama. Wewe na Maangi deputy Gavana wa Kisii ni kama mnaendelea kunona na sisi tunaendelea kukonda.
Me: Boss mimi na watu wa kukula Nyama hatupatani. Pia mimi ni harufu tu nameza.
Karionya: Najua wewe huwesi danganya sisi. But sisi kama wanafichichi wa Jamhuri ya Kenya, nataka nikupatie ujumbe, ukikutana na hao viongozi uwapatie. We have devised a method that we will use in voting them back. We will use a weight declaration method. Anybody who will be voted will have to declare his weight and we will be auditing his weight after very one year. If one adds more than 5 Kgs in more than one year, he will join Simeon Nyachae at his Nyosia home and Nicholas Biwott for slim possible exercises. Hatutaki viongozi mikora ambao wanakula nyama sisi tukimeza mate.
And there is a bunch of hooligans going round telling us that as Kisiis we should come together under Obomo Bwo’Omogusii. Who told them that wakisii hatuko pamoja ndio wanataka kutuunganisha. Waambie muungane hapo Nairobi kwanza kabla mkuje kutwambia tuungane hapa. For your information hapa we are very united and informed. That is how Nyachae lied to us, we voted for him akaingia serikali akakula Nyama sisi hapa tukimeza harufu. Sasa ametuma his tall son to deceive us again to join Chupiree. Tukiuliza wapi laptops zenye walitudanganya, wanasema hiyo ni porojo ya Raila. Wapi stadium yenye walisema? wanasema huyo ni Raila anachochea. Wapi barabara? Wanasema hapo ni kuchoma nyama tu. Na kazi zenye walituambia wanasema kwani unafikiria tunachichomea nyama ama we employed watu watuchomee? Na kupunguza corruption, wanasema they sacked Waiguru. So what about the monies stolen? Wanasema ni Raila anachochea coz alifungia Anne jicho na Anne akamlenga. Ndugu yangu waambie waache ukora ya pesa nane.
Karionya: Asande. Na usalimie mabibi zako na watoto.
Karionya: Haya basi tuma pesa tununue Magufuli
Me: Magufuli ni nini?
Karionya: Tusisumbuane. Raisi wa TZ anaitwa aje jina ingine.
Karionya: Kwani lasima utaje ndio tushikwe?
Me: Pole mukubwa
Karionya: Tuma kwa Pamela direct hatuna pesa ya kutoa