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It is never that serious young man!

Dear Uncle Edd,

I am a fourth year BCom. Student. I recently lost my girlfriend to a man I suspect to be a sponsor. For the last three months I have really been down with a broken heart. My grades in class have gone so low. I failed more than half the units that I sat for. I have lost weight. I have become soo moody and I have even contemplated of either killing my girlfriend or the sponsor or both or I commit suicide. I feel like it is the end of the world. Kindly advice.

George.

 

Dear George,

It is good that you have come out and coughed out what is suffocating you. There are so many other people out there suffering like you. I suggest you look out for them and form a whatsapp group.
But before I proceed, here is one condition that you must meet before making your threat real.

  1. Kindly look for your parents and refund them all the monies and effort they have taken to raise you to become a fool. If they knew this is what you will grow to become, they would have opted for birth control measures. They could have discarded you in a rubber.

Below I am going to list for you a few facts if you will make your threat real.

  1. Utashikwa, utapigwa, utapelekwa korokoroni, utafungwa, na utafunguliwa booth Kamiti, while your fellow students who never took it so seriously will grow to become sponsors and enjoy life eating using a spoon.
  2. If you will manage to commit suicide, your folks will do quick arrangements and discard you in a six feet deep hole. Your girlfriend might attend the mass in the city, but she will never set her foot in the firechi where your remains will be interred, instead her feet will be dangling in the air as the sponsor will be comforting her atop his humongous belly. I told you sponsors eat with spoon. You see!
  3. While you will be rotting in the grave, your girlfriend will be taken to Zanzibar kisiwa to wind away and try to forget her difficult past of dating a broke college student.
  4. While you will be completely dead, Koffi Olomide will release another Ekotite hit and your girlfriend will be shaking it for those who never took it seriousily at Mojos and the lucky ones will be seeing her nakedness from time-to-time while your skeleton will be lying helpless in that cold grave. My people have a saying that goes “Ebinto mbio ontigera ontigera agatigera onde” (Things are to be lefted for the lefter to left for another one) Nelson Mandela left Winnie to another person and went for Graca who has been lefted by Machel and he died and left for maybe Zuma. George, Eng’ombe ne enigma. Young man, have you ever imagined the number of happy men we will have down in Swaziland upon King Muswati’s demise?
  5. While you will be completely dead, bodies will exchange fluids and she will give birth to a bouncing (well I don’t know where this bouncing thing came from)…………but she will give birth to a bouncing baby anyway, and he will never be named after you lest he becomes as suicidal. They will give the kid a romantic name you know!
  6. Young man, by you committing suicide, your death will not stop men and women from getting naked. They will even get naked on the eve of your burial in the banana plantation. If you know how Tinka lost her virginity during her mother’s burial in John Rugand’s play book The Burdens.
  7. And when you will arrive in the other world, babu yako atakunyorosha bakora mingi sana for dying like a fool only focused on one whole when there are so many holes to hunt.
  8. Sorry and you said you are heartbroken? Well, don’t be foolish, hearts never break and if they do, you die. Love is in your mind not in your heart. Stop putting blame on the heart when it dutifully pumped blood to the right places every time you wanted to roar. How many men admire those news anchor sirens and don’t commit suicide when Dennis Okari marries one?

Young man concentrate in your studies if you want to grow to become a sponsor of true and eat using a spoon like akina Chris Kirubi. And again I must tell you that you made a wrong choice when you chose education. Football and running pays better. Akina David Rudisha, Ezekiel Kemboi na Wanyama hawanisumbui na maswali kama haya ya usiensi.

But one word. It is never that serious. Rose Nasimiyu’s Dad died 2 years ago and the mother appeared on National Television with 2 kids from a totally different Dad and they were blending so well. It is never that serious coz sponsors ukufa pia. You don’t need to kill them, they are already exposed to so many dangers; Viagra, driving home at night, Wife, Business partners, unknown ailments, sudden deaths, name them.

All the best young man. Let me go watch my beards grown white on a mirror.

Chao!

 

Yours Truly

Uncle Edd

 

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