A Little Mistake that Costed me Presidency. This is how it was to go and my first 100 days in office.
It is a well-known fact that I am a prayerful man. Most of the times I pray for good health and a well behaved bank account. Sio ile yenye landlord anapita nayo every end month anakuacha kinywa wazi. (Well, mimi ni wembe kwa misamiati as you can see). I have always prayed for money but sio kama ile yenya Wanyama analipwa coz I will only play for six months nichape coach nirudi Kenya kusumbua wananchi and become the president.
Instead of concentrating in Biology dissecting grasshoppers and naming of Rocks in Geography and studying Sinjathropus in History and studying useless periodic tables and Laws of motion in physics, I should have just stayed in the field with Wanyama and today you would be reading about my transfer to Arsenal at a romantic ataggering payment of 42 Million per work. TROUBLE I tell you. With such amounts I can sack IG Boinett on Twirrar.
My good people, with those dollars in the account, I will be banking with central Bank and later on buy it and all employees and their extended families, na nipewe title deed hiyo siku or I cause chaos. Alternatively, I can buy the ministry of lands so that I will be printing my title deeds bila stress. Being a descendant of King Solomon, you know very well wisdom runs in my veins. So I will apply 0.00000000001 % of the wisdom to know that pesa uisha. So as a mitigation measure, I will just stroll to De La Rue and buy the entire money printing plant and pay half of the cost. The balance will be cleared once I take full control of the money printing business.
I will write to President Uhuru Kenyatta and request him to grant me express rights to create employment. With his permission I will revive Webuye paper mills and employ an MD with a job description of ensuring that De Larue is never short of printing papers. That is how I will create my first 10 thousand jobs.
With such kind of money, I will buy all politicians apart from a few like Ababu, Wanjiru, Wamalwa, Kombo, Mungatana etc……Coz hao hawana kura. Then through legal notice 216 of 2016, through Lawyer Kioko Kilokumi, I will apply for personal Amicus of the Supreme Court Judges and double the brief case amounts to 500 Million. They can collect from my Company warehouse at De La Kamanda, formerly De La Rue. Will tell them wakifika huko, ambia mtu wa store anipigie simu.
The next thing you will hear, the Son of Jomo, just like Dr. Willy Mutunga has decided to step down honorably to avoid a constitutional crisis that might be occasioned if he stays in power till the next general election. In his position, he appointed Mr. Money Factories E. G Kamanda CGH, and Chairman all parastatals. The new Commander in Chief is a former Arsenal Striker and the Owner of Ministry of Lands.
My First 100 days in office.
Transfer all state house Chefs who have specialized in cooking Mukimo and Tumbukiza to Gatundu State Lodge.
Me and senior staff in the Ministry of Culture and Home affairs travel to Swaziland for Bench making and hold collateral discussions with King Mswati on the possibility of bringing the reed dance closer home.
Any hate monger like the Pangani 6 will be given a one-way diplomatic passport and visa to go and become ambassadors huko na wasiwahi rudi.
Round up the owners of B-Club and lock them in Kamiti. Ili iwe funzo kwao and other thieves who are using clubs to defraud fellow Kenyans. How do you sell a bottle of water at 500 shillings a liter when a litre of oil mined 100 of kilometers inside the earth is 84 Shillings a liter. They will be sentenced by Justice Smokin Wanjala without an option of a fine and hard labor.
Fellow Kenyans, I will invite Jamaica parliamentarians on an exchange program to come and mentor our youths on responsible smoking of that thing. Sio hii ujinga vijana wanavuta and they pick a kitchen knife to go and attack an Army barrack.
Appoint Nkaissery State Assets marketing manager to go and sell all those anti-riot useless equipment they bought and buy useful equipment. Kenya will no longer be a country of demos. Anything Raila wants anything he gets in the spirit of brotherhood.
Fellow Kenyans, In the ministry of Drought and special programs, I will create the department of Relief where all ladies in need of sponsors will apply and get sponsors in real time. Starving will be a thing of the past for anybody willing to sleep with the aged, tired and wise senior citizens. The department will be modelled on the operations of HELB
In the Ministry of Devolution, I will form the department Urban-Rural Migration for the Aged. The department in its stimulus program will be tasked with ensuring all men above 70 years of age, are comfortably moved to their Rural homes where they will enjoy fresh air and serene environment and catch up on delicious firechi news. Retiring in stuffy second floor huruma flats will be a thing of the past.
Fellow Kenyans, for the rest of my stimulus plan, log into the official State House website.