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Rules and Regulations from the Firechi.

“8.4.4 System is churning a bunch of uneducated English speaking rascals” – Karionya Insists.

I have always insisted that the 8.4.4 system is completely obsolete and needs a total overhaul. For instance why the hell should they teach us about chemical reactions and completely ignore to teach us on how men react when they catch you in bed with their wives? 8.4.4 is a big scam. Or why don’t

Karionya, my personal advisor on cultural and family matters who dropped out of class six to go and pursue parenting sounds so wise than this 8.4.4 graduates who are pumping bullets into stomachs of other men because of clandes. 8.4.4 is a scam. For instance why don’t we have a topic called CULTURE where they will teach us on how to co-exist peacefully with one another. They can use case studies like how Masais have been a brother’s keeper over the years and managed to maintain the peace. A Moran strolls into another Moran’s homestead and realizes no mkuki outside. He plants his mkuki and proceeds to take care of business while his friend is away. And that is how the love triangle nonsense never catches Masais. Wise people there, long before 8.4.4 was introduced and completely killed the spirit of sharing.

So the other day I received a call from Nyamira Express offices and was told to go pick a letter from Karionya.

Here below I share the contents. In brackets I will try to explain.

 

Dear Kiongozi,

(Yes back in the firechi I am a respected man. With 600 bob, I throw rounds of busaa and that is how my titles range from Kiongozi, Shujaa, Kabaka, Mkurugenzi, Inspector, Engineer, Mkombozi to Wakili. Hapa tu Town ndio mnanidharau na mausienzi zenu)

<<Back to the letter<<

Hopefully you have woken up in one piece. Everybody here in the firechi is doing great. Kazi ni kunona tu tunanona. But mkubwa how do you survive in the city on Sukuma wiki and eggs only? Don’t you think the diet is weakening our genes ndio utuzalie rascals who can’t even manage 2 girlfriends? (Yes Karionya completely believes in King Solomon’s philosophy of 300 wives and 700 mipango ya kandoz)rules

Kiongozi you need to come home and we elect you a senator or Gavana so that you bring garment money we also enjoy and buy cars and remove elbows through car windows like big people.

You know back in the firechi we value you a great deal. That is why me, and 5 other eminent firechi personalities sat down and drafted some rules and regulations that will guide you for the few years you are going to stay in the city, before you come back home and become our senator. These rules will help you survive in that city of 8.4.4 thugs.

RULES AND REGULATIONS.

  1. Thou shall not look at a married woman twice. It is from the second glance that Satan takes over and drains all the blood from the head above your shoulders and pumps it to the other head in btn legs and you start thinking using that head. The next thing we hear is, he succumbed due to excessive bleeding as a result of bullet wounds inflicted by the woman’s husband. The police have launched investigations blah blab la nonsense……………… Friends and relatives are meeting daily at garden square from 5……………………Kiongozi, that is not how we want you to die.
  2. Thou shall you not roar in a woman’s house. If it bites nails, sema tukuchangie hata kama ni pesa ya lodging. Narudia kwa Kiswahili. Hapana vua nguo kwa nyumba ya mwanamke if you are not the one paying rent.
  3. Thou shall you not wink at a friend’s girlfriend. That is how Christopher Adagala commenced his death journey to Garden Estate.
  4. Though shall you not assume that if it has no pimple it is safe for human consumption. Use protection my nigga. I am being told that virus ya siku hizi disguises itself as a very smooth face with dimples.
  5. Thou shall you not catch feelings and fight coz of a woman. Kwani wewe ni nani? You fight over something that you dint even find pure in the first place. If Joseph the Carpenter dint carry a machete to hunt the Spirit when he heard his wife VIRGIN Mary had been impregnated by Holy the son of Spirit, kwani wewe ni nani unabebea mtu bunduki and perhaps you are the 38th She is only waiting for one more before she gets saved. (If you see a lady get saved at her late 20s, jua huyo has done the complete cycle of 39 boyfriends, she is now after the 40th one ambaye ni Emanuel the son of Joseph aka Jesus Christ)
  6. Thou shall you not trust a woman completely. Sometimes they talk to snakes that make them completely change their mind and eat the fruits from the tree at the center of Garden of Eden. Our Grandfather Adam was the first victim of trust and his descendants have continued to fall victims. That is why we have more land ladies than landlords.
  7. Though shall you not marry one with piercings on lips, eye lids and tongue with a spider tattoo on her neck. Huyo alishinda hata wazazi wewe ni saucer kwake. If you come across one, eat athletics.
  8. Thou shall you not become a sponsor if you have not bought a bullet proof car, and when you do, never tell your parasite that it is bullet proof. We dint send fools to the city to go aid people on how to kill them. Refere to the bible page 397 how Delilah finished Samson.
  9. Thou shall you not go hunting alone, mchele spikers will show you Aljazeera news live live.
  10. Thou shall you not trust an 8.4.4 beneficiary. They don’t know anything apart from speaking English and twanging.

Ni hayo tu mkurugenzi. Perhaps to remind you again, the rules and regulations were drafted by the 6 of us. So it won’t cost you much. Hata usitume na ya kutoa coz simu yangu iko na bibiti. Tuma tu exact.

 

Yours in trust,

Karionya Bw’Ongeri

Chief Firechi head of protocol and Personal advisor to Geke Kamanda CGH – A very Big person working in the Capital City.

 

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