Dear Uncle Edd,
I hope this finds you well.
I am a very rich business man with interests in real estate, transport and construction. I recently got married to a beautiful yellow yellow college girl from Kiambu. So far we don’t have any kid. Six months into our marriage she is demanding for a divorce which I fear is going to cost me more than half of my empire. I have talked to some lawyers and they have advised as such. The legal fees is also likely to run into millions. I also fear she is likely to hire a hit squad to eliminate me given that she comes from Kabete na tunawajua. I am saved and I don’t want to use sinful means.
Pole Sana ndugu yangu. Mungu asifiwe.
First lets agree that it is not your fault to marry from Kabete. Every man makes such a mistake. Scientifically it has been proven that, when men are making such decisions, in front of a beautiful yellow yellow, they choose not to use the head above their shoulders, but the head hanging in between I don’t know legs or what.
My brother all is not lost. For a few saosands I am going to help you retain your millions. My solution is going to cost you a bit of your Christian morals, but just know it is purely acting, no spiritual attachment.
Starting today, start sleeping with your backside facing up(Yaani okorete ekeuni). Then in the middle of the night, when you are sure she is hearing you, start whispering absent mindedly pole pole vile Papa anajiongelesha kwa Papa Shirandula. Utter the following words “But Wangwana mnanitesa, hii style ya kulala sitawesa for one week, Hata kama mmenibariki na mali hii mateso sitaweza. Mwanzo bibi nimeshindwa kumwambia vile ataanza kulala hivyo pia”.
Then snore away as if nothing happened. Have one of your friends number saved in your phone as Babu. Let him call you in the middle of the nigh the following day when the phone conversation can be heard in your bedroom and make sure your silly wife who wants vitu za bure hears Babu tell you this “Kwa vile Bibi yako amekataa kulala vile tulisema hiyo gari yake inachukuliwa leo”. Let one of your friends drive the car away and don’t offer any explanation to your wife kesho yake. Just tell her illibiwa and warn her not to report to the police. After one week, let her discover through bad smell the head of a cow that you sneaked into your house and hidden it under the bed. There there she will be scared stiff. But try to convince her to stay. Her appetite for money will advice her to stay.
Then the following day you strike with the lethal action that will send her straight to Kabete na hiyo ujinga yake never to return or to be heard from again. Come to the house normally and spike her drink with mchele ile ya Visa place umoja. Ile naskia unalala 8 hours straight. Once she is properly spiked, let her wake up sleeping in the bathroom next to a dead black hen kama umemvalisha inner wear imetengenezwa na ngozi ya kondoo na amevalia bra imetengenezwa na gunia za marikiti. Make sure you have drops of red paint all the way to the door. If possible get that stump inapatikana butchery and put it next to her complete with that axe the butcher man uses.
When she wakes up make sure you are not in the house. Wacha ajiongeleshe peke yake.
Of course when you come in the evening you will not find her in the house, and she wont dare report to the police. The next weekend tune in to Dr. Owuori’s TV broadcasts and watch your former wife akitoa ushuhuda how she was married to the eldest son of Lucifer Ole Saitani and how she almost became kitoweo. While she will be narrating how lucky she was, to run with her firigisi intact amid Shindwoo chants from the congregation, you too break into that Shujaa Rugby team Slogan of Champion, champion….champion. Give me a call we pop whiskey and laugh at how karibu tukule mtu firgisi akicheza na mali yetu.
I however feel she might return after three months to pick her useless certificates accompanied by his church pastors tightly holding to their bibles. Mpatie certificate zake na nguo zake ambazo I am sure she will never wear again. Labda waende kuchoma
That way you would have saved a soul by turning somebody into a Christian instantly at the same time protecting your properties. Hatutaki upus.
I will send you my consultation fee invoice.