By Ekabaka Geke (Firechi Correspondent)
DISCLAIMER: The Kingdom of heaven is real. If you want to see it with your own eyes don’t hate anybody in this world. To all ladies, if you don’t want to hate, don’t read this post coz you will hate and burn in hell. But if you have to read and forgive, well you can proceed and read. If you indeed want to eat fruits, and take milk and honey in the garden of Eden with us, please don’t hate. To all men move your seats closer leo nimepika busaa come we rejoice and brainstorm on how we have been nyanyaswaad. But there is light at the end of the tunnel.


Good morning good people. We all agree it is a tough world. But must an idiot cut his only organ coz he has been denied conjugal rights? What if he moves to the next village and a beautiful girl offers him the  very rights, will he go for super glue? I told you it is a tough world.

From biblical times, all evidence is to the fact that a man is indeed a troubled man. But what strikes me in the spine is, no man can accept that things are elephant and call for a prayer meeting so that we register our case with the Almighty so that he can look into the issues and have them ironed out and fixed. We have chosen to man-up and suffer in silence. I am only mentioning three examples from the bible. 1. Adam and Eve. You see Adam was that obedient Man who stayed at home perhaps lying under the mango tree reading the Good News Daily Newspaper when his wife went out there, came and deceived him to nakedness. 2. We all know how Delilah tricked Samson to death. 3. The birth of Jesus Christ. – Imagine the stress Joseph underwent when Eve came home and announced “Bae I am pregnant”. Knowing very well that he had never touched even her hair, his mind went into a spin! Then an angel is sent to declare that the Holy Spirit is responsible. In current times it results into love triangle deaths. Well I don’t want to mention other stories like how Job suffered etc. Tafuta bibilia usome. Utakuja kuniambia.


I rarely watch movies coz I know most of them are illusions. But we have chosen to replicate what is happening in movies into real life and the result is man suffering. Surely why the hell is it that, it is a man who will go on his knees to propose? Can’t they go down together or at least alternate? Well, I come from a clan where kneeling to propose ILIPIGWA MARUFUKU coz it is a sign of weakness and my forefathers warned against it. I am being told that one of my grandfathers once tried to propose by kneeling down near his father’s grave, ile bakora alikula made the clan suspend such acts henceforth. (I know ladies have started hating me, but please go back to the DISCLAIMER above. If you hate me, you will burn in hell while we will be rejoicing in heaven. Imagine the fire in hell. Burning that ‘beautiful’ weave and manicure at 7000 degrees Celsius. Please don’t hate) So as I was saying you can propose to your fiancée using the latest technology like whatsapp. You go like “Bae, will you marry me (put emoji of you holding hands). Management of my Kitchen and Laundry is getting out of hand, and I can’t carry pregnancy you know. Don’t worry coz plans are in place to compensate your folks so that your brothers too can use the compensation proceeds to fill your gap” #winkwink. Something very simple and straight forward.


My good people, we have already donated a rip to them, God has blessed them with good health and an able man, why the HELL should a man go round to open the car door for them? (Priss ladies we said no hating. Every time you hate me, Satan marks his register you will make a delicacy in his cuisine. Remember the bible says utachomwa. So it is upon Satan to decide whether to use you as Nyama Choma ama fry ama Mutura) So as I was saying lets be proactive. But surely, why do you want a man to open the car door for you na Smirnoff Ice unafungua na meno?

Reports reaching my desk are to the effect that surprise proposals have led to the highest number breakups. Reason being, the fiancé, high on red wine, decides to propose in public, and the lady trying to be a lady accepts coz she doesn’t want to deflate your fake ego.

For this reason, the Kabaka’s have concluded that the best time to make a decision whether you want to marry each other is the day after a night out drink. It is only when somebody is drunk, that you will monitor his pathetic dancing styles, his FISIst graph, his silly spending behaviors, his irritating kisii arrogance, his obese Jaluo Pride, his mean Kikuyu economics (He will of course buy you Mutura when others are doing Pizza), his horrible Kamba dancing styles etc………..by the time you wake up in the morning together, you would have decided whether you can live with the farts. And if the answer is yes, I swear you will live happily ever after. (If you have any hate for this please read the DISCLAIMER above)

And as I was saying mwanaume anaumia. He will take you out every other weekend and buy you loads of shisha but at the back of his wallet he has properly tucked some bus fare to the firechi. So it is a matter of days before he jumps into Kisii Classic and he will be in constant communication with his aunt who has of course prepared a village beauty for him – The girl will arrive at the man’s place with her form four certificate with a few clothes in a bag. The man will stay happily in the village for 3 weeks, whistling and eating proper food (sio hii fries ya red robin) and on the first day of the forth week he will jump into Nyamira express with his pregnant wife and arrive in the city ready to settle down and raise his family – (AND THAT IS LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL). Whilst all this is happening, the city girl who just pierced an eleventh hole on her nose and recently changed her shisha flavor will be in trouble coz her “XAXA XWITIE” texts have been ignored for a month now. Of course she will get another sponsor for a month and life will go on.


Romans 5:3-5 

More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.

I sign off.

Happy birthday good people and enjoy your Sabbath. Mkisikia Whiskey mahali please let me know. Chao.

Klik here http://youtu.be/DWoisVEhviM and http://youtu.be/eubElEetqPM


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